I feel cheated.

I hate this day.  I hate this day more than any other day.  I hate hearing phrases like, "He's in a better place" or "He's not suffering anymore" or "He's very proud of you".  Maybe he is in a better place,  I know he's not suffering and maybe he is proud.  It doesn't change anything though.  Everyone around me goes on like this is a day like every other day.  Stores are open, people go to work, life goes on. 

I want to yell.

I want to yell that it is NOT ok.  I am NOT ok.  Eight years ago my daddy went to heaven.  He took part of my heart with him.  I am not whole without him.  I do my best to hide this the other 364 days of the year.  Not today.  Today I cry.  It almost feels involuntary since I can't seem to control it.  Today is the day that I let myself feel all the emotions that I suppress the rest of the year.  I am angry. I ask, "why".  I feel cheated.  I feel cheated because he is not here.  We didn't go to the wall together.  He isn't here with my babes.  I find small amounts of comfort that he watches over them and that's it.  I would rather have him here.  I know HE would rather be here.  Eating tacos is not the same without him.  Sometimes I wonder if I drink jamaica because I love it or because he drank it.  Maybe it's both. 

I try not to be angry.  I try not to be resentful that most of my friends can call their dads whenever they want.  I try not to question why he left when he did.  This is all on the Lord's time, right?  Someday this will all make sense, right?  Someday it won't hurt so bad. 
I sure hope so.

All I know is that I wish he was here.